“Why can’t you just slow down?”
Saying such a thing to a person such as me is like telling a Texan born & raised football player to quit eating so much meat/dairy. . .
We just don’t comprehend the words coming outcho mouth then the Charlie Brown “whomp whomp whooooooomp” starts chattering in our heads in those moments. And the darnedest thing about it all? It took me nearly 28 years to understand and accept this part within myself, y’all. I am just barely getting a grasp on the need to change this addiction to efficiency/productivity/proving of worth. (never before would I have been able to articulate it quite like that either if it weren’t for the gift of written word– in this case discovered during my reading of Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist, and of course, God’s grace in prayer recently allowing me to see parts of myself that affect others)
So here is my first public confession of a trait many of you probably will snicker and say Duh, Rachael, we’ve known this all along: I am a busy busy worker bee, and I have a serious problem with avoiding needs by busying myself so much with wants. (now, I want to vomit for being so vulnerable but there is something leading me to share this today so share away I shall)
While I can lead well (i.e. take charge, run a team, make decisions and delegate tasks), I feel most safe when given direction of what to do next and being the cheerleader for others to rise—ideally, as we all rise together. As long as I feel appreciated, valued, challenged, and integrity-driven in my work, I will work and work and work and work beyond physical or mental exhaustion sometimes–for better or for worse (lately: worse). Don’t get my wrong, my stubborn personality thrives best when not told what to do on a consistent basis aka having those opportunities to be my own queen bee, but I also love (and at times just need) the easier transition of taking a passenger seat when it comes to the exchange of help provided. (still following? never said my mind was an easy page-turner; it’s actually more of a labyrinth of hyper-emotional and strong willed impulses hah #workinprogress)
Because let’s be real, if I’m most honest, doing the asking for help with my life (like seeking out babysitting so I can actually function beyond mom duties each day) is one of my biggest hangups. The busy bee worker in me says buzzzz buzzzzz lemme at ‘em I can do it ALL, y’all. Then reality sets in, I’m scrambling against the fleeting afternoon hours to complete any sort of productivity hoped and sought after early in the morning when the day seemed so long and so promising with open opportunities–Exhausted. Burnt out. Giving up to-do list items left and right besides the bare minimum to finish out a day. Not even motivated enough to respond cheerfully to my husband’s request for foot rubs; something that continuously irks me in the moment until I force myself to remember Jesus–His mercy and His grace in washing the feet of others above his own cleansing. I grab (or sometimes Anthony does himself) our Dragon Time Massage Oil and get to work on kneading out the kinks in my sinful human nature and the physical kinks in my husband’s unabashed patience and love for me despite myself. Those times are truly a restorative process for the both of us when I do force myself to remember some of the best advice ever given to a person like I via the bible: BE STILL.
So, it is a wonderful, beautiful, life-affirming dance I have lived the past few years and especially the past few months—a deep desire burns for each of my roles when before my fire for life was more like a lame, dwindling flame. . .
To help others seek better wellness through sharing the benefits of Young Living, to help others release their physical and emotional triggers by guiding their muscles through yoga asanas/postures, to help others find literature/literary products that inspire them/others, to have a daughter who is a huge mamma’s girl, and to have a husband who pokes & prods the best out of me, it ALL is a huge blessing and admittedly at times a power struggle I need daily redirection to not just survive but thrive within. #allglorytoGod
This story is one told and untold for so many who simply feel the need to do it all and be it all for everyone except their own selves at times. If you find yourself expending so much energy just being a present mommy and fulfilling other daily duties as employee, wife, homemaker, etc that oftentimes self-care and the things that provide the most life/passion/inspiration are left on the wayside–then know that I hear you. I understand you. And I would love to talk with you about your journey. There is power in sharing our stories with each other and being vulnerable enough to let go of our own need to keep busy to keep happy. Let’s slow down together. Be present with one another. And truly enjoy life at a slower pace walking into this next half of the year. That’s right. 2018 is halfway done already, so how are those resolutions treating ya?